Shadow
by Natalia DeLuca
Summary: LL. You can try to lie to yourself. You can try to run. But it doesn't matter where you go, or what path you take, fate will get you.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gilmore Girls or Toumas Holopainen's lyrics.

**A/N**: I don't really know when I'm going to update this again… I hope you like the first chapter. All chapters will be named after a Nightwish song – All lyrics by the fabolous Toumas Holpainen. English is not my first language, forgive me for any mistakes that I let pass.

**A/N: **Special thanks to Janet and Laura – two very nice Java Junkies that offered to read this fic and advice me through it. To my sister who is probably the light of my dark life, I wanna thank you for your support. And this fic goes to every single person that wishes to find someone who isn't your own shadow.

* * *

_Saved my soul thinking "This songs a lie"  
Sand on the shore is so dry_

_Deep Silent Complete  
Black velvet sea  
Brave day sinking in endless night_

I woke up again... Feeling that same emptyness in my heart. It is like a hole that burns in every breath I take.

I looked at Christopher. He sleeps like an angel… Well... We are only happy about each other's presense when we are unconcious. Sometimes I wonder why we got married… Now that Rory is a grown up kid, it doesn't make any sense… God, I am so unhappy…

It's this town… This house… These people… The fact that I lie to myself, trying to pretend that this is the life I always wanted. That the man who is sleeping by my side, is the man from my dreams. But it is just a lie. It is the shadow of something that I once wanted and dreamed about.

When I was sixteen, the thought of living in a big house with one wonderful family thriled me more than anything else; but now… It is a shadow of what I was… A memory.

I climb off the bed and go down stairs to drink some walter. Though I'm not really thirsty, I just want to get out of that room. Maybe go to the back yard and watch the stars… Just… Get out.

Instead of doing these things I just lay down on the couch and turn the TV on…

I'm tired – I think… Though I don't really know why I am tired. I work as a secretary for this lawyer (a nice lady whose father happens to know mine). I can't say it is a diffcult job. I just answer the phone, and pass on the message. Anyone could do that.

Now, thinking about it, I'm not just tired, I feel useless… I'm just one useless woman. I wasn't actually useless once, when Rory was little. She needed me. Now she is all grown up, and well, she is my friend and all, but sometimes I get the impression that if I wasn't here it wouldn't make any diference. For those two, I mean… Christopher and Rory. They don't need me. They often mock me. I am always the stupid one. It is not Rory's fault. Well… Mommy didn't graduate from high school; mommy didn't go to college, Mommy is a secretary.

Mommy is nothing… Just, well, a shadow of what she once was.

* * *

Fucking ridiculous festivals. All this noise… 

Why are those people always happy anyway?

Sometimes I think that they try to fake happiness. They are all unhappy inside, but they smile and go to the festivals, celebrating something, anything that can drag them out of their own lives. Just for a few hours.

I wish I could fly… Sometimes I get into my truck I drive around the county. Just drive anywhere. I put some music on and drive around. Of course, after doing it, I feel like an idiot, but the sensation of freedom from Stars Hollow is amazing.

I know that I'm not obligated to stay here, but, for some reason I can't bear the thought of leaving all these memories behind. All these memories from my parents… Of the life I loved.

Sometimes I have weird dreams. I am at the diner, at night. Closing time actually. And while I am cleaning the place there is this woman (I can't see her face, though) talking to me. And we laugh and just… Well… Talk. Even if it is a dream, I feel confortable… Safe… Almost loved.

The first few times I had this dream, everytime I waited for someone like that woman enter in my diner. But after waiting for a long time… I stoped dreaming about something like this. It was stupid, anyway. The only woman who made me feel safe in my life was Rachel, and she, of course, fucked off a long time ago. She, like me, got suffocated by this town, she needed to get out, and she needed to feel the jolt of some big capital of the world. The diference between us is that I don't have the guts to get out; I don't have the guts to leave all my childhood behind.

Now, I'm living in my past. And for some reason I think I'll live forever in it… Because I'm too afraid of losing it.

* * *

"Mom?" Rory got into the living room and took me out of my daydreams. 

"Oh… Hey, kid." I grinned.

I sat on the couch and Rory came to sit by my side. An unconfortable silence took over us. I wanted to say something clever. I wanted to show that I wasn't that dumb, but nothing occurred to me.

"Mom, can I ask you a question?" She said.

"Yeah?" I turned my head to her and saw that she wasn't looking at me, and for some reason she was trying to avoid my gaze.

"Are… Are you happy?" That hit me…for a moment I couldn't breathe. Why? Why was she asking me that?

"Yes… Of course, I am happy, hon"

"You don't look happy."

I sighed. I could deny it. I could tell her that she was seeing things. But, again, I would still fell that emptyness in my heart.

"When… When you were six months old… I was planning to run away to another town… Stars Hollow, is the name…One of our maids came from there, she told me about all these crazy festivals and how happy people there actually were, she told me that it was a magical place…And for some reason I remembered that…In the night I was planning to run.

I was going to grab you, take the bus… and never look back. I was going to find a job and we were going to have an amazing life. Your father had already run away, and I was miserable at my parents' house. So, I was going to do what seemed to be the best thing to do. Not only for me, but for you too… I didn't want youto grow up like I did… I wanted you to see and feel diferent things"

She was still staring at the TV, but I knew that she wasn't letting any of my words escape.

"But that same night, your father came back. He said he was going to find a job, we were going to build a life. He promised me all the things I wanted. And we were happy for a long time. Oh, well, you know that, you were there…"

I sighed again…

"And sometimes I just wonder what would have happened if I had ignored him… I knew he was lying… But I guess I wanted to believe him. For your sake, I wanted to belive him… And I actually thought we could have that amazing life during the first years… But now… I just… I feel like you and your father are living, and I am… Not…" I gave one weak smile.

Silence… Her silence… And that scared me. She finally looked at me. I couldn't quite read her expression. Anger? Surprise? What was that on my daughter's eyes?

"I… I think I'm going to sleep…I have to wake up early tomorrow. She got up and gave me one weak grin… A fake grin.

"Rory?" I called in a weak voice.My heart was racing in my chest… And when I heard the distant sound of her door being shut, I let myself cry.

I hugged myself feeling like a little girl, a lost and scared little girl.

Half-hour later I came back to my room to find Christopher staring at the seilling. He looked at me and immediately sat on the bed.

"Hey… I was…" I started.

"Down stairs.With Rory" He said looking at me. "Unfortunately I got a part of your conversation…"

"Don't make a big deal out of this… I was just sharing something with my daughter… She deserves to know the truth… She deserves to know that her life could have been different" I said praying that he would drop it off.

"A better life, you mean?" He asked with a sarcastic tone on his voice.

"No, Christopher, another life. Diferent from this one"

"See, the thing is, I didn't force you to accept this. I didn't put a gun in your head. If you wanted to leave, you should have done that. Then I wouldn't have to hear all this crap from you after all these years. Why, Lorelai? Why now?"

I just sighed trying to show him, trying to pretend that all of this didn't mean anything.

"Chris… I just that…Sometimes I feel like…"

"For five years, Lorelai, five years, I paid every damn thing for us. I tried everything I could to give you everything and satisfy your ridiculous needs… I thought you were happy, and even though I wasn't, you being happy was enough for me. And now I feel stupid…"

_Useless_, I thought. I was useless… And he was right. He did his best. He did everything he could to give me a good life. Except that sometimes, I could see my father in Christopher. He thought that by paying the bills, he was being a good family man. He went to work, he came back, he would watch TV or do something with Rory, and then he went to sleep… Well… I can't say he is any good at the husband part. But, again, we were there because we were obligated; because I got pregnant…I knew it wouldn't be enough. I always knew that my mother's life wouldn't be enough for me, but somehow, he made me belive it would.

"You clearly don't understand what I am saying, so I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight, and we'll talk tomorrow." I said getting out and not waiting to hear his answer.

I slammed the door behind me. And started to cry again…

And that's why I wanted another life… Because I was sick of crying… I want so badly to feel loved and safe again, but now… I'm constantly afraid that I might fall apart at any time.

* * *

I woke up at two in the morning, another dream… Another chat at the diner… And again I felt that confort…

I got out of bed and went for a walk on the square. The festival was over, but the square was still a mess… Those pigs.

I lay down on the park bench and stared at the stars.

I couldn't help but think that whoever was in that dream, was right now under that same sky, under those same stars. I wish I knew her name, so I could yell it, and maybe she would hear. Maybe she would yell my name too, and then we could both find each other… Ok… But, she is not real, remember?

God, I'm pathetic. I am building a romance with a Dream Woman who doesn't exist, just for the lack of a real love, all because I can't find someone to love me. Someone that I could love…

I wish I had someone to take care of, someone to love every day and every night. Someone that I could hug and just hold when she needed, even if she didn't know she needed to be held.

I bet that this sounds more pathetic than anything else, but, it's true.

I just… I don't feel right. It is like there is something missing. Always. And I'm blindely looking for it, trying desparetly to find it, but I can't.

I just can't…

_The age will say "This poet lies"  
Heaven never touched earthly face  
The age will say "This night was ours"  
Blessed with the Deep  
The Silent the Complete_

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**A/N:** Review please. It would be nice to know what people think about it.


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